A little over 4 years ago, we had a precious baby boy named Caleb. Now he is a big 4 year old with tons of personality, and we are crazy about him! When trying to get pregnant the first time, we had no problems. We tried for 4 months, and then embarked on the journey of being pregnant and starting a family.
When Caleb was 18 months old, we decided to start trying for baby #2. We were really excited and just knew that it would happen soon. I remember clearly the weekend that my brother & sister-in-law got married. Chris and I talked about how excited we were to try again.
Months went by, and still nothing was happening. I had some weird things happening with my body that I had never had before, but we kept trying. As the 4 month mark went by, I remember being a little bummed that it hadn't happened yet...and it had happened by then the first time. But I wasn't too terribly scared about it at that time. As each month went by that first year, I got more worried...I cried every month when I realized I was not pregnant. Friends and aquaintances starting getting pregnant and I started getting more and more annoyed by the fact that I was not pregnant. And I even started feeling like I could not be excited for others in their pregnancies.
At the end of the first year of trying, I met with my doctor to discuss what was going on. She was not worried about the minor changes my body had made since having my son...but I was still pretty worried about them. Really, she just encouraged me to keep trying and try not to worry about it and stress myself out about it. Easier said than done!
So, another year went by in which I really believe I was in a state of depression. I couldn't stand to hear others were pregnant, there is no way I could be happy for them, I didn't want to hear other mothers talk about their children. I found this one to be really weird since I had a kid. But I remember being in circles of women at church, etc. where the mothers were talking about their children, and I wanted to scream "Can we please just talk about something else!!!" Things were getting pretty bad.
At the two year mark, I told Chris that I was fed up with the whole trying thing and was going to see an infertility specialist. I really didn't give him an option. It was just like, "here is what I'm doing!"
The doctor put me on a very aggressive program to try to get me pregnant as fast as possible. I had blood work done at the first appointment, and everything looked fine, so she thought this should be a piece of cake. The first month, I took Clomid and just did it all by timing. Didn't work. The second month, I took Clomid plus injections. Didn't work, but it did give me a rather nice large cyst. So, I had to wait a month for my cyst to go down. Then the next round, we did Clomid with injections and then had an IUI. We were really excited and hopeful....but it didn't work. My last round, I did the same regiment with no luck...except three cysts this time!
By this point, I was going nuts. Completely nuts. I felt like we were flushing tons of money down the toilet and getting no results. I was frustratred with the whole situation. But I was a little glad that at least I didn't have to go through the emotional pain of another round of treatment for awhile. A few days after I found out it did not work, I heard that a friend was pregnant. That night I cried and cried and felt like crying the whole next day. The very next night, I got a call that a familiy member was pregnant. And that did me in. I have never been at such an emotional low in my whole life...and I hope I never will be again. I was unconsolable. Chris had a school event that he had to be at that night, so I called my parents to come over and take care of Caleb for me because I was in no way going to be able to function that night. My mom talked with me for two hours as I cried and cried. I didn't feel much better at the end of the night, but at least I had gotten all my crying out. The very next day, I went to the doctor and was told that I was not going to be able to do another treatment for at least another month...which was actually three months because of summer vacations. That was the icing on the top of the cake. I normally was able to leave the hospital without crying until I got to the car. Not this time. I immediately got ahold of a few people at work to let them know that I was going to have to take a mental health day. I was in no shape to go to work. My mom came and spent that day with me, took me to lunch, walked around downtown Wylie looking at shops. Then later that day I went and got a pedicure. After these few days, I was still pretty much an emotional wreck, but I could at least begin to function again.
Some friends of ours had told me about a guy that we lovingly call the "witch doctor." I had held this guy's information for a long time and figured if it ever came to the point that I was really desperate, I would contact him. It was time to pull out this guy's info! I wrote the guy and soon got a response saying that he thought I had an infection and he recommended that I take an herbal supplement for 10 days. I figured "what could it hurt!" So, I took the herbs, and low and behold...that same month I got pregnant with twins! At first I felt like it was all due to this man and these herbs that I got pregnant. As I progress, and talk to my doctors, I'm not confident of this anymore.
Really, I guess I now feel like God wanted to take me through this process and let me get to the point where I was completely broken and helpless to show me His majesty and power. Believe me, finding out you're having twins after 2 1/2 years of trying so very hard is amazing proof of God's great power and is now causing us to trust in Him in a completely different way! I feel completely blessed by God, and I feel like He is rewarding me for the little bit of faith I had along the way....even though it wasn't much, and I was pretty ticked at Him most of the time. Now I feel very favored by God, and I realize that he had a plan for us...even though I didn't like that plan during this journey. I guess He knew all along that it would be better for Caleb to be older when we have the twins. He sure will be able to help out a lot! Whatever His reasons, I am very thankful to be having twins and cannot wait to meet these little guys. And I can guarantee that I will look at them for the rest of my life and remember this journey and give thanks that God answered our prayers.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing your story Stephanie! I had no idea you had been through such sadness. It is really hard to keep trusting when God's time table is not ours and it seems to go on forever. I assumed you were having twins because of the fertility treatments. I think it is so cool that it wasn't even that. Then God does what I love for Him to do and look for Him to do, gives you and Ephesians 3:20 pregnancy!! It is indeed so that He and only He can get the glory. I can't wait to see how He blesses you and Christ through those sweet babies. Caleb is such a joy and I know these sweet babies will be double the joy! I remember when I was 36 and just grieving that I was not married and finally said to God "if I never get married, you will be enough, you will be my husband" and in a month I was reconnected with Steve and 5 months later married :-) God is an awesome God!!
Thanks, Lynn! It is such a personal struggle that people really do not talk about it much. I really believe you never hear about most peoples' struggles with this for various reasons. It took me 2 years to start talking about it, but as soon as I did, I felt much better. I just wish I would have shared all this with others sooner. Probably would have saved me a ton of grief and would have given me more support. I appreciate your prayers! Love you, Lynn!
Stephanie - I was touched by your story! I wish I could go back and hug you everytime I saw you at CARE - I had no idea and know it must have been so hard during that time. So excited for your new adventure! Doubly blessed and I know Caleb will be a great helper!
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