What it feels like to go through infertility

Infertility is such a personal struggle that most people do not talk about it...at least for a really long time. So, it is really hard to know if someone is going through this.


Of course everyone is different, but based on my experiences and talking to many others who have gone through or are currently going through this experience, here are some things that those who are going through it feel...

• It is very hard to be excited for others who are pregnant or have children. This is a horrible feeling. No one wants to feel this way towards others. It's way more fun to be excited and enjoy others' experiences too. But when you're going through fertility, the reality is that much of the time you just can't be excited. Now, this seems to be different for men. It seems like men are still able to be happy for others. Not sure why this is, but it isn't their bodies (at least most of the time) being poked and prodded. And women are just much more emotional than men in general. I can't tell you how frustrating it was though to hear that Chris was happy for others. I know, I know! This sounds completely horrible! I just wanted him so bad to feel everything to the degree that I was feeling it.
  


• You start to distance yourself from those who are pregnant or have children. I have felt bad over the past few years because I know that I have missed having relationships with some women simply because they are pregnant or have small children. As soon as I would hear someone was pregnant, I would tell her congratulations, and unless they were already a good friend, I would pretty much keep my distance from them. In going through this journey, you figure out pretty quick what your issues are and what you need to protect yourself from emotionally. And for most people, they just can't really handle being around pregnant people much. I hate that I missed the chance to form many relationships over the past few years, but I hope to remedy that soon.


• You go through an emotional roller-coaster each and every month. The first few weeks of the month, you get your hopes up that this could be THE month! Then towards the end of the month, you start getting nervous. "Is it going to happen this time?" Then when you find out that you are not pregnant at the end of the month, you are crushed. The worst is when you are on all the meds. When the meds crash out on you at the end of the month...about the same time you find out you are not pregnant...goodness!! Talk about intense! I wound up having to tell a few people at church about what all was going on one week because John, our preacher, prayed and just mentioned the word suffering. I immediately lost it and was a crying fool. I nudged Chris and said "we have to get out of here right now!" On our way out, there were two people that saw me and of course were concerned. I really appreciated these people asking me about it though...it gave me an opening to let people know what was going on for once.


• When you are dealing with infertility it is literally all you can think about. Really. Your thoughts are constantly on this, and it is really miserable. I wanted so bad to not have to think about it, but you can't help it. I can't tell you how many times I told Chris over the past few years that I literally could not think of anything else. And these days with the internet, there is a lot of information out there...unfortunately. I would get on the internet and look up different things about infertility. "Could my problem be this? What about this?" It would probably be a good idea to ban a person going through this from the internet!


• You feel like you are so alone. I love my mom, but she never had a mintue's trouble having me or my brother. And as much as she tried and wanted to, she could not understand what I was going through or feeling. And if you have not gone through infertility, you simply cannot possibly understand what it's like. I realize that is true for so many different things in life. The absolute best thing for me was that my dear, lifelong friend Stacy had already gone through all of this. Stacy is like a sister to me, and I HATE that she has had to go through all of this pain too and is still struggling for a child. BUT, she was the absolute best thing for me during this time. Early on, I told her how I was feeling about everything. By this point, I hadn't talked to anyone and was feeling really horrible about myself. "Why am I having all these bad feelings?" "I am such a horrible person to be feeling this way!" But when I talked to Stacy, she validated every feeling that I had and let me know that this was normal. I can't tell you how relieved I felt when I heard that I was not the only one in the world who had these feelings. Pretty freeing! Stacy also introduced me to an infertility support group that she was attending at her church. Up to this point, I had a pretty negative reaction when I thought about "support groups." There was no way I thought I would ever step foot in one. But since my dear friend had been helped by this group in her struggle and enjoyed her time with the other ladies, I decided to go along for the ride. Stacy and I would meet before the meeting to eat dinner and gripe about how things were going. It was wonderful!!! Then at the first meeting I went to, I fell in love with these ladies. I was blown away by how beautiful and strong these ladies were. We sat there and talked for hours, and it was great!! These ladies knew EXACTLY what I was going through. They spoke the same infertility language that I spoke. They knew what all the crazy letters stood for...IUI, IVF, and on and on and on. The rule is that when you become pregnant or adopt a child, you graduate from the group and do not go anymore since it would be hard for others who are still in the group. I can't tell you how much I miss seeing these ladies, but I treasure the email updates I get from them so that I can follow how the others are doing. So, my attitude has been completely changed on support groups. They are wonderful, and I recommend that anyone dealing with infertility join one.